SternShowBlog.com

Ha! The guys at Sharp must be big fans of the show, because they wrote an entire commercial around George’s “oh my!” Where else but on the Stern Show does he say it? So cool! I can’t wait to hear George tomorrow. Thanks to Dave for spotting it. “Hey now!”

Photobucket: nickthehomie

It really could be Ralph in there. Darth Kitty certainly looks half nerd, half homo. But Ralph or not, it makes you wonder how much brain damage it takes to dress up like that. Fail indeed.

Via LOL Pix.

South Park Studios

As we speak, Robin is in the taint of the earth, Guatemala, “saving girls” in the third world country.

And Mother Teresa Quivers has been squawking—err, tweeting—the whole time.

“Hi all. Just entered main street in Panajachil. It’s a lovely day in Guatemala. Let’s see if we can’t help the economy,” Robin tweeted on Wednesday.

To pull a Riley Martin here, the only way Robin is going to help economy is if she donates the money she uses to get her hair done to the local warlords.

Later that day Robin wrote, “Headed to Guatemala City. The guide says we should be off the road by dark to avoid being crime victims.”

Sounds like the Guatemala Howard warned her about, amidst Fred playing machine gun fire, clucking chickens, and the Mexican hat dance.

“A slight delay in traffic because of an accident has made it unclear if we will be off the highway by midnight. Wish us luck,” Robin tweeted a couple hours later, “The bus driver is breaking speed records I think.”

Apparently the little kids selling necklaces and earrings made out of chupacabra droppings turn into vampires at night!

Robin did survive, later tweeting her disgust about Domino’s Pizza and Pizza Hunt infiltrating the largely un-contacted tribes of Guatemala.

But good news from the front, Robin found the source of her vegan superpowers.

“Guatemala is known for coffee. Nice to see how the ingredient for my enemas is grown,” she wrote a few hours ago today.

Speaking of ass, right now multinational Quivers is resting after a heavy lunch of beans.

You can follow Robin on her tour of duty through war torn Guatemala on her official Twitter Big Black Beautiful Tits. Nah, it’s rqui.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are kind of fruity, but the turtles would certainly be more bad ass if they actually used their fucking weapons. “Judo chop!”

Via College Humor.

Mouth Piece Sports

The Mike Tyson lore never ends. It’s an unlikely combination—PETA is already pissed about it—but Iron Mike is getting a new show on Animal Planet.

Mike loves birds. He still owns a few hundred birds at lofts in New Jersey and Brooklyn.

So the new show is called “Taking on Tyson” and showcases pigeon racing, which is apparently a big business with a lot of gambling.

No word if Mike gets to rape the losers.

Via Boxing Experts Blog.

The Richard & Sal Show

Some dick, or diabolical super genius, got on the public-address system at a South Jersey Wal-Mart and announced, “Attention Wal-Mart customers: All black people leave the store now.”

No surprise it’s South Jersey. South Jersey, i.e. a suburb of Philadelphia, is New Jersey’s retarded little brother. “I’m retarded you jerk!”

Security are spooling through surveillance tapes to find the prankster, but in the meantime angry customers are boycotting the store and demanding prompt justice.

Sounds like Nick Gerz is on the loose!

Via NBC Philadelphia.

It’s been a bad week for Tiger Woods. Last Wednesday, Howard hit him with the Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant and then the media frenzy that followed. And tonight, to kick off their new season, South Park has Tiger dead in their sights. Awesome!

© 2009 SternShowBlog.com - Sandy Kim

Ha! Look at JD keeping his pimp hand strong. Thanks to Stern fan Sandy for sending this over. Sandy’s the one with the giant cans.

Sandy booked her reservation at the Los Angeles Nobu as soon as she heard JD and Ashley were going on a “date” there. And when mack daddy JD and Ashley finally showed up, Sandy rushed them to get that picture.

She gave JD a big hug, said hello to Ashley, made a little small talk, and told JD to have fun. But in true JD fashion, he replied, “Uh, I’m trying!”

Oh that’s our man! Sandy was shocked that hardly anyone showed up to catch a rare glimpse of the elusive Stern Show Media Producer, and his, uh, girl.

“We were really surprised that we were the only stern fans there,” Sandy writes in her email, “When they came in, I was the only one who approached them.”

No biggie. TMZ showed up. That’s pretty fucking awesome! And Sandy says the TMZ guys were still outside when she left, and they were all very cool.

Again, major props to Sandy for emailing me the photo! And I got to say, looking at this picture, I want to fuck Sandy way more than Ashley. Hey now!

Oh, and with that weird expression he’s making, it’s hard to tell whose more Asian, Sandy or JD. Booyah!

SB Nation

In January, Gary joked that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has a body like High Pitch Eric.

And when watching his “favorite” team the Jets during the playoffs, Howard said, “I don’t know much about football, but he’s on his way to a heart attack for Christ’s sake!”

Not anymore. Jets head tubbo Rex Ryan just pulled a Star Jones, getting weight loss surgery on Saturday, a lap-band procedure at NYU Medical Center.

It will be fun to watch Rex melt on the sideline next season. He’ll need an extra ball boy to carry around the massive folds of skin.

Via the Associated Press.

Good news on the Baby Gorilla front. Friday on 98.5 The Sports Hub, Norm said, “I talked to Artie two days ago and he was doing real well.”

Norm didn’t elaborate, but its great news nonetheless.

And one of my sources says Artie was spotted in West Caldwell, New Jersey a couple weeks ago. He was at a Starbucks, looking thin with straggly hair. Hey, thin is good!

Via Save Baby Gorilla.

YouTube: ClaySoftProductions

All the freaks are still coming out of the woodwork over Howard’s comments on fatso Gabourey Sidibe.

This time Gabourey’s mom, Alice “Yokozuna” Tan Ridley is fired up that Howard called her bear cub—err, cub—fat, and said that Gabourey needs help.

“Get a life. He can see, you can see, I can see Gabby is a big girl. She’s a big woman, so what’s wrong with that? She’s not like everyone else in the world,” momma lard ass told Inside Edition.

Unfit mother! What kind of “parent” lets their kid grow to planetary size then says, “What’s wrong with that?” Shame on this woman!

Before Yokozuna starts pointing fingers at other people, she should look in the industrial-sized mirror and have a sit down with her daughter before Gabourey ends up dead. “Douche!”

That’s what Howard was talking about, dummy!

Via Canoe.

Too fucking funny! TMZ made good on their promise and caught up with JD and Ashley Dupre outside Nubo this weekend. Hey, he’s not Brad Pitt, but JD handled himself alright. As far as nerds go, he’s the coolest Media Producer in Hollywood. “Arr, uh, err, chopsticks, uh, arr, eh.”

It’s awesome that TMZ did this, makes JD seem like a big shot, but the photographer’s suggestion about just showing Ashley the $5,000 was really dick-ish; made it ever more uncomfortable to watch. You’ll squirm in your chair. “Err, uh, I don’t know.”

Via TMZ.

Canuckle Head

Ha! Look very closely. Not sure if it’s real or not, but let’s pretend it is. Fucking funny as hell! The expression on the news anchor’s face is priceless. Hey now!

Via Canuckle Head.

TweetPhoto: Ashley Dupre

Now that’s the face of a guy on his dream date! The photo is from Ashley Dupre’s Twitter, looks like they really did go to Nobu, but I don’t see any burn victims sitting around them.

Ashley Twittered a lot during the date, so clearly she is taking the whole thing seriously. Run JD, run. It’s over Johnny, it’s over. Poor JD, the guy is setting himself up for disaster.

News One

Whacko Washington, D.C. evangelical “leader” Jim Wallis is calling upon Christians to stop watching morning zookeeper Glenn Beck.

Because Glenn “McCarthy” Beck has urged religious nuts to leave the parish if they find terms like “social justice” in their church’s rhetoric.

Glenn claims that’s a code word for Communism and Nazism. Wow! You usually have to pay a lot of money for a good hallucination like that.

Reverend Wallis doesn’t like this because he says teaching social justice and antipoverty is an important part of Christian faith.

So Glenn Beck is now on the holy man’s shit list, uh, and so is Howard. “What he has said attacks the very heart of our Christian faith, and Christians should no longer watch his show,” insists Wallis, “His show should now be in the same category as Howard Stern.”

I’m calling bullshit! I got really drunk once and on a dare I watched Glenn Beck’s show, and I didn’t see one pair of tits, a single Sybian ride, or anyone singing into a cock!

I resent your comments Reverend Wallis. You, me, cage match, right now! “Douche!”

Via The Caucus.

Ha! Looks like President Obama is trying out the auto-tune too. And he’s having just about the same amount of “success” with it too.

Life

Dice was in studio today. It was classic Dice, all sorts of crazy, loud, and obnoxious. Awesome!

But the interview didn’t get too far before Howard lost it on Gary, Howard didn’t like how Dice sounded through the microphone.

“This goes on with every guest!” Howard roared.

Howard wants action. Gary has to crack the whip. He’s got to get the engineers in line.

“I will tell them, then what happens if they don’t?” Gary asked before saying “fuck you” to Howard.

So Howard ushered Baba Booey out of the studio, saying, “I resent you saying fuck you to me when the microphone doesn’t work.”

Dice got fed up with the interruption too. “I haven’t been here in a year, how long you going to talk about headphones,” shouted Dice, “Dis’ is my time. Dis’ is my time. I’ll yell!”

Gary seemed to correct the problem and slid out of the studio. “I sorry boss’th.”

Then Dice launched into a tirade about Seinfeld star Jason Alexander. Why Dice is so pissed is convoluted and unclear, but a riled up Dice is priceless nonetheless.

“This little fat meatball,” snapped Dice, “He looks like Adam Sandler’s fucking dog!”

Apparently Jason, who Gary called one of the nicest guys, made a comment to Dice at a Las Vegas poker tournament and it stung the Diceman.

“They put a Persian fucking run on his head that makes him look like he has hair,” barked Dice, “He’s a fucking mutant that came out of a beaker as far as I am concerned.”

Dice is bent because Jason Alexander is doing some sort of show under the name Donny Clay and Dice knows Jason picked “Clay” to fuck with him.

At least that’s what I think the problem is. He’s so crazy. I love Dice.

And Dice brought his hot new wife with him today. She’s 25 years younger than him and only 7 years older than his eldest son. “Old Mother Goose, I fucked her!”

HowardStern.com

Poor JD got bombarded today. The opening salvo made fun of his bad—err, new—haircut. He looks like Louis Skolnick from Revenge of the Nerds.

“The thing was you had good hair and you cut it all off,” Howard told JD, “I don’t get you!

JD replied with something that sounded like, “It’s not that horrible. I’ve had compliments.”

But JD’s pseudo bowl cut is the least of his problems. He’s spending his $5,000 on Ashley Dupre this weekend. No, not the way you think.

Instead of a music video or a hotel in New York City, JD is flying out to Los Angeles to spend a day with her.

So it begins!

“Actually she’s flying to New York as I’m flying to Los Angeles,” Fred-JD said, “We’re going to wave to each other somewhere over Utah.”

Flying all the way out to L.A. for date! It sounds risky, but it gets worse. JD wants to take Ashley on a helicopter ride. Nothing says I love you like a near death experience!

“You know what’s great, if she rejects him, he can just jump out of the helicopter,” says Howard, “I hope you get laid, man. All this trouble!”

So Howard is going to help JD out and pull some strings. JD wants to take Ashley to Nobu. Howard has a man in the field over there, the owner Richie Notar.

“I’m going to make sure there isn’t a fucking good looking guy around,” Howard told JD, “I’m going to have Richie bring in a whole bunch of burn victims.”

JD said he might employ the services of friend of the show Ryan Felipe, but Howard warned against that. Who Ashley rather fuck, JD or Ryan?

If it takes you more than two seconds to decide, kill yourself!

And later in the show the stakes of JD’s date got raised. TMZ contacted Gary and asked if they could cover the date, after all JD—err, Ashley—is a big star.

“Use the TMZ thing,” Howard urged, “They’re allowing you to come on strong!”

If JD acts flippant to the clamoring paparazzi, Ashley might think he’s a hotshot—or not!

UPDATE: Cancel the trip JD! Ashley isn’t interested. She writes on her Twitter, “Yes I was clear. No leading on. He’s a really great person and I’m lucky to have him as a friend.”

UPDATE: Even though JD is headed to the friend zone. He is in Los Angeles right now, hanging with Ashley Dupre. Her Twitter, says, “JD & I are @ In & Out about to get our eat on!”

Poor JD, pull up the rugs buddy. It’s over Johnny, it’s over!

YouTube: Mr29t

Working in Hartford, Connecticut was no picnic for Howard, not only did the job suck, but he lived in a run down condo, next to a bunch of hicks.

And Cletus didn’t like what Howard did on the radio, so they’d post signs all over Howard’s door.

“Hey man, you have your free speech, but I can’t have mine?” Cletus told Howard.

Howard tried to explain to Cletus that it’s not the same thing, but—surprise, surprise—it didn’t work.

So Howard was powerless to stop him.

“The mother fucker was a big ass mother fucker,” says Howard, “I couldn’t even fight him.”

Howard wishes just once that he was Chuck Zito. Chuck is a beast. Howard doesn’t exactly strike fear in the hearts of men—uh, women too.

“You look at me and you think maybe an accountant,” Howard moaned, “Just once I’d like to be a tough guy.”

People are retarded. Free speech does not mean you can go on any platform and blabber all you want. You have to abide by private rules and regulations—especially at someone’s house—government interference is the only impingement of free speech. Hear that SFN morons!

That’s why I moderate comments on the SternShowBlog—too many dickheads in cyberspace!

MASN Sports

Howard got charged up about people stealing his bits again, like Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader.

“It’s very upsetting to me when someone lifts my game show ideas,” he said.

Howard admitted today he talked to a lawyer about suing the show, but the guy told him it is “very difficult” to take action in television.

“The laws in television are absolutely bizarre,” bitched Howard.

And when Howard talks about bit stealing, it always comes back to fat hog Jay Leno.

Jay has been taking Howard’s material for years, like “Jay Walking” and putting interns on the air. Nobody did that before Howard. No one made characters out of the background people.

“Show me a fucking show before this radio show that ever had an intern,” snapped Howard.

Howard’s shrink told him to take it as flattery, but that doesn’t sit well with the big dog.

“I dwell on it because I want somebody to remember this,” Howard barked, “Jay Leno is a crook and I’ll say that until the day I die.”

Listen, Howard changed media. He might not have directly invented everything, but Howard paved the way for modern day entertainment, namely reality TV.

Plus Howard always points out that all these people who steal from him are huge fans.

Celebrity Smack Blog

Robin whored it up today. The studio was abuzz about her short skirt and hooker boots.

“You’re a whole sexpot this morning,” says Howard, “Everyone is commenting on your look, and they like it.”

Robin replied, “Well, it’s nice to be considered sexy.”

Howard thinks Robin is just dolling herself up for him. They’re hanging out tonight.

“I thought maybe you were making a play for me,” joked Howard.

Robin said, “If I don’t get you tonight, I’m giving up.”

A hundred bucks says Robin nicknamed her Magic Wand, Howard 3000.

Sexy-Solo

To help stop the spread of HIV during the World Cup, Great Britain is sending 42 million condoms to South Africa. That’s $1.5 million worth of rubbers.

Sounds like the World Cup of cock!

In South Africa, it’s estimated that 5.7 million people have HIV. That’s one in every five adults, with 1,400 new cases of the virus being diagnosed every day.

And with half a million people expected to invade the country for the tournament and a rumored 40,000 prostitutes in route too, South Africa needed some extra help refreshing their supply of scumbags.

Via The New York Daily News.

HowardStern.com

Jamie Jungers pulls it off, winning the “Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant.” To go with her crown, sash, and golf inspired bouquet, Jamie takes home $75,000 courtesy of Ashley Madison, a black diamond ring via Steven Singer, and a 50 inch TV from Beezid.com.

The voting was swift and decisive with Gary, Fred, and Ashley Madison founder Noel Biderman, all voting for Jamie Jungers. Robin was the black sheep, going with Jamiee Grubbs.

“Jamie Jungers has a story that comes out of the classic mistress handbook. The small town girl who falls in love with the big star, who sticks by him through thick and thin,” says Howard, “She sits there and follows him around and is destroyed because she really thought she was going to be the one. She is the classic story!”

Gary called Jamie Jungers an “innocent” and maybe she really is, because for something as dopey as winning the Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant, she started cry.

“I’m so excited, thank you,” Jamie began her tearful acceptance speech, “Yesterday was my birthday. This is like the best thing ever. Thank you so much.”

But there are no losers on the Howard Stern Show, each girl walked away with a prize. At first, just the winner was going to get $100,000, but Howard decided to give $15,000 for the runner up, and $10,000 for third place. Not a bad booby prize—teehee!

Howard kicked ass today. Given the timeliness and hugeness of the Tiger Woods scandal, the pageant will go down as a top 10 Howard Stern moment of all time. Hey now!

Don’t forget all of SternShowBlog’s extensive pageant coverage:

• “Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant” – Jamiee Grubbs, Loredana Jolie, Jamie Jungers, bare all

• Tiger makes Jamie Jungers fly coach – she’s a hot “little coffee cup”

• Loredana Jolie says Tiger fucks better than Michael Jordon – Tiger wants his asshole licked

• Jamiee Grubbs was “laxed” on condoms with Tiger – his penis isn’t that big

When Jamie thanked God and her little dog Apple, I pissed myself—too funny! But I still would have voted for Jamiee Grubbs. I love me some crazy! Oh, and I called Robin a “black sheep” for comedic effect. “Douche!”

Photobucket: duffnationusa3

Jamiee Grubbs was the last contestant in the “Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant,” and she didn’t disappoint either. She’s kooky and angry. That’s so fucking sexy!

“You look like a fun girl,” Howard said to Jamiee, “You know how to rock a bikini as they say!”

It’s obvious by now. Tiger has good taste in women.

“Were you in love with Tiger Woods?” Howard started off asking Jamiee.

She replied, “I don’t use the word love. I mean, granted maybe it was never said, doesn’t mean the feelings weren’t there.”

Get a load of that babble. I love that nuttiness, my balls are tingling.

Howard followed up with, “Were you in the category of girls that thought, hey wait a second I think I’m the only one here, I think Tiger is really in love with me, or did you kind of know the score all along?”

More craziness coming right up!

“No, of course I thought I was the only one,” says Jamiee, “I’m not one of those girls that are going to be one of anybody’s guys. I think I should always be the girl.”

Robin interjected, “But you knew he was married!”

Jamiee claims she didn’t, which is a bunch of horseshit. They all knew, come on now!

Tiger approached Jamiee differently than Jamiee Jungers and Loredana Jolie. No bodyguard this time. Tiger went over to her all by himself, like a big boy.

“I was just having a good time with my girlfriends and he came to me with his little eighth grade flirting,” says Jamiee, “It took him three days to even give me a kiss. He definitely has no skill.”

So he’s not nervous about pushing Loredana Jolie’s head down by his asshole, but he’s hesitant to kiss Jamiee on the mouth? What the fuck!

“Isn’t that weird, he’s different with everybody he meets,” shrieked Robin.

And Tiger needs to stay the fuck out of Las Vegas. He met all three girls there.

“Did you use a rubber with him, or did you use no rubber?” Howard asked Jamiee.

Jamiee replied, “I mean that was one thing I obviously kind of laxed in making sure it was used.”

You can’t script that kind of crazy. The answer is a simple “no,” but kooky pants stretched it out into seventeen words of gibberish.

Oh I want to fuck her!

“Isn’t it weird that you didn’t use a rubber and Jamie [Jungers] didn’t used a rubber,” says Howard.

Jamiee said, “It’s not necessarily weird as it is disturbing, and kind of wrong.”

But just like with the other girls, Tiger never came inside Jamiee. He pulled out.

“Did he ask you to lick his backside?” Howard inquired.

Jamiee shot back, “No he did not, nor would I do that!”

Bullshit! I bet this chick straps on a snorkel and buries her face down there. Hey now!

But unlike Jamie Jungers and Loredana Jolie, Jamiee Grubbs does not think Tiger has a massive anaconda between his legs.

“I don’t know about these girls, but I think he envies a nine-iron,” says Jamiee, “I’m not knocking him or anything. He’s more girthy than he is length.”

Jamie Jungers and Loredana Jolie told Howard, Tiger’s penis is huge, approaching nine inches, but Jamiee Grubbs insists it’s maybe a little bit bigger than seven.

I guess Tiger’s cock can transform, randomly switching between Asian and black.

And Tiger toned down the sex stuff with Jamiee. He never “approached” her for anal, no business suit, no watching girls fuck, no dirty talk in bed.

“Nothing kinky happened,” exclaimed Howard, “You’re telling me no!”

Jamiee answered, “No, I’m not a kinky girl and he could sense that.”

Lies! This Jamiee Grubbs would let you tie her to the ceiling fan.

“Did you think he was going to leave his wife for you?” Howard asked.

Jamiee replied, “I did eventually. I was definitely putting in my time, you know, and just thinking it’s going to be something.”

But when Jamiee “found out” Tiger was married, she backed off for a year. That didn’t stop Tiger. Jamiee claims he still pursued her the whole year.

Despite Tiger’s unrelenting passion for her, Jamiee told Howard she wouldn’t take Tiger back, other then to be friends—which means she’d take him back in a heartbeat.

And like the other girls, Jamiee wants Tiger to say he’s sorry.

“I do think I deserve some sort of like apology,” says Jamiee, “This whole situation is like messed up.”

Jamiee’s story was pretty fucked up too, but she’s the nuttiest, so my vote was for her.

Let the official judging begin!

The Burger Boy

Smoking hot Loredana Jolie was up next in “Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant.”

“You’re a very beautiful woman,” said Howard, “You are tan. You have very big breasts. Are those real or fake?”

Loredana replied, “Really expensive.”

Howard asked Loredana how her life has been since being outted as one of Tiger’s girls.

She called it “confusing.”

“You have different kinds of people. Some people look at you like what a whore,” says Loredana, “Some people are like oh good for you, I’m happy.”

Loredana also met Tiger in Las Vegas, but under less “innocent” circumstances. Tiger, a married guy, hooked up with her through a matchmaker service.

Tiger paid $15,000 for that first date. No sex included!

Fuck that, for $15,000 I want a girl’s tongue buried so far up my ass she can taste what I had for dinner last week.

Not Loredana, she has the nerve to play hard to get.

“So when you met Tiger the first night, were you like Jamie [Jungers], did you jump in bed with him the first night?” Howard asked, “Was it one of those instant kismet kind of things?”

Loredana responded, “No, I actually gave him a hard time, and he kept chasing me.”

But Tiger and Loredana ended up hooking up for two years.

“The amount of time you went out with Tiger and the amount of time Jamie went out with Tiger, you guys were overlapping,” said Howard.

So Howard figured Tiger didn’t use condoms with her either. Not so.

“He did,” says Loredana, “I don’t know who he’d sleep with. I’m very protective.”

Smart move, turns out Tiger had his giant dick in every receptacle he could find.

“Were you shocked by the size of Tiger’s penis?” Howard asked.

“A little,” Loredana replied.

It was the biggest cock she’d ever seen. She told Howard she would brag to her friends about it. Telling them they got to fuck him. Ha, don’t say that!

And Tiger showed his appreciation to Loredana. Unlike Jamie—who he didn’t give anything—Tiger bought Loredana jewelry and fancy gifts.

But Loredana didn’t swoon for Tiger like Jamie. She knew he was up to shenanigans.

So Howard asked, “Did you know he was seeing other women or did it come as a complete shock to you?”

“I just assumed of course. He’s cheating on his wife. He must have,” replied Loredana, “Once you’re a cheater, you’re always a cheater.”

But she did describe their time together as more of a “girlfriend-boyfriend” relationship.

And Tiger was a boyfriend in the streets, but a freak in the sheets. Loredana said Tiger liked a lot of role playing and fucking all night long; three times in one night.

Tiger was creepy. Loredana said he would dress up in a business suit, invite girls from foreign countries to come over and play, but just sit back and watch.

McCreepy would even watch some dude fuck the chicks.

“He would sit there in a chair like he’s Gordon Gekko,” joked Howard, “Like a powerful man kind of fantasy.”

And all the girls would perform for him.

“We were like little puppets and he just liked the whole show,” explained Loredana.

Tiger would sit back, bark out commands, and jerk off. Tiger liked other kinky stuff too.

“Most guys like to have their ass eaten,” says Howard, “He never asked you to do that?”

Tiger wanted it, but Loredana wouldn’t do it.

Howard said, “Would Tiger ask you for that, or did he try to push your head down by his buttocks?”

“Push my head down,” replied Loredana.

I think that only warrants one comment. “Douche!”

But Tiger wasn’t Loredana’s only celebrity fling. She dated Bruce Willis and fucked Michael Jordan. She claims Tiger was a better lay that M.J.

“Son of a bitch, he looks like a nerd to me!” Howard shouted.

But in the end—no pun intended—Loredana and Tiger just drifted apart. Tiger stopped texting her, so it was over. Wanh, Tiger Woods won’t fuck me anymore, wanh!

Loredana also wants to Tiger to apologize to the all the girls he screwed over—pun intended.

Good story from Loredana, but there’s one more girl to go, crazy Jamie Grubbs.

The New York Post

First to brave the studio was Jamie Jungers. “Jamie, you are one hot babe, good God!” Howard exclaimed, “I can see why Tiger carried on with you.”

Howard called her a “hot tomato.” Too funny!

Jamie says she met Tiger Woods in Las Vegas during a charity event at the Bellagio. They hooked up right away, but Jamie never expected it would be a long term affair.

“Didn’t you think at first it was just going to be a one-nighter?” asked Howard.

Jamie replied, “I did think at first it would be one night.”

That makes sense, since Jamie knew Tiger was married, even though at that point it had only been for a few months. Goes to show you what kind of dirt bag Tiger really is.

“He was only married a few months, so there was no period of time during his marriage where he was faithful,” said Robin.

Gary joked, “A few months!”

But Jamie always thought Tiger was attractive, so she couldn’t resist. Dirty girl!

“Meeting a guy who I had a crush on for a while, I jumped—I literally jumped on the opportunity,” Jamie told Howard.

Jamie revealed her little tryst with Tiger lasted 18 months, but the whole time Jamie never thought she was his only girl.

“If he cheated on me with his wife, I figured he would do the same on me,” says Jamie.

But Jamie was shocked by the number of girls Tiger was involved with. And she assumed he was only having one night stands with these women, not “relationships” like they had.

Fuck was she wrong!

Speaking of fucking, Jamie admits, Tiger was the only black guy she’d ever been with and he had the biggest penis. Tiger has a nine-inch barracuda.

And Tiger likes to use it for rough sex.

“What is rough sex, anyway? What does that mean rough sex?” Howard asked. “I don’t think I’ve ever experienced it. I want to have rough sex, but I don’t know how to be rough. I think you need to have a big penis to have rough sex, right?”

Robin chimed in, “Does he pick you up and throw you on the bed?”

“Yeah, pick me up against the wall,” replied Jamie, “Robin knows what I’m talking about!”

Howard said, “I’m known for very gentle sex, almost like another woman.”

The scariest part of all might have been Tiger not using any condoms. He never even asked Jamie about birth control. He just pulled out and came on her tits.

But despite all Tiger’s antics, Jamie misses him.

“I do,” says Jamie, “I was in love.”

Howard asked, “You would have married him if he said be my wife.”

“Yeah, if he wasn’t married,” she replied, “If he was what he seemed to be.”

Good thing she didn’t, Tiger is a cheap son of a bitch. After 18 months, he refused to help her out when she got into financial trouble and he made her fly coach to come see him.

Jamie was even with Tiger the day his dad died. But it didn’t matter to Tiger.

So all that prompted Jamie to break it off.

Maybe Tiger trying to give her anal had something to do with it too. He wasn’t smooth about it.

Howard asked Jamie, “Did he try anal on you?”

“He tried, yeah,” Jamie replied, “I didn’t let him.”

Gary added, “Did he ask, or did he just try?”

“He just kind of tried, and I said unh-unh,” says Jamie.

And Jamie told Howard she wouldn’t take Tiger back; especially since he referred to the girls he cheated with as “mistakes.” She wants an apology for that.

Jamie had a pretty sad story, between flying coach, falling in love with him, and enduring two stupid nicknames, “little coffee cup” and “juicy Jamie,” but is it good enough to win?

Loredana Jolie and Jamie Grubbs stepped up to the tee—err, plate—next.

The New York Daily News

Tiger’s worst nightmare just came true. Howard’s monstrosity the “Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant” went down today.

Three of Tiger’s former mistresses spilled the beans on the world’s greatest golfer: Jamiee Grubbs, Loredana Jolie, and Jamie Jungers.

Las Vegas sports books actually placed odds on who would show up: Jamiee Grubs +500, Jamie Jungers +500, and Loredana Jolie +250.

So after a quick wardrobe change—Fred and Robin donned elegant gowns—Gary marched the girls one by one into the studio.

Cum—err, come—see who won!

Erratic Magic

Howard touched on his future again, but he didn’t give a definitive answer.

“I really do believe I’m at the end of the road,” says Howard, “I think I’m done.”

Howard is ready to stay home, sleep in, play chess, and stare at the wall all day.

But Ralph doesn’t think so, telling Howard, “I think you’d like that for like a month.”

Robin also warned Howard that he’s never had a life without the radio show and might miss the outlet of getting on the air saying what’s on his mind.

Howard didn’t agree, but didn’t slam the door on re-signing with Sirius XM either.

“If I could I rearrange my schedule and work it around a little, I think I might come back,” said Howard, “I’m not trying to sit here and negotiate over the radio like an asshole.”

I say Howard will re-sign, but don’t expect the show to be the same. My guess is the show will start later, end earlier, and only be on three days a week.

Listen, any Howard is better than no Howard. So fuck off SFN!

O Gurizao

Gay pornstar Dustin Michaels—real name Andrew Grande—asphyxiated and died yesterday after swallowing a bag of pot during an altercation with Florida police.

Shouldn’t “Grande” be his porn name?

Cops were called after Andrew got into a fight with a friend. The situation escalated when police tried to handcuff Andrew and he resisted.

During the mayhem, Andrew attempted to swallow a bag of marijuana, which got caught in his throat, the cops didn’t realize it and tasered him.

The whole incident was caught on video. A camera crew filming a TV show was already on scene. It’s very graphic, but you can see Andrew panicking and sticking fingers down his throat.

Police eventually figure out what’s going on, but were unable to clear his windpipe. Paramedics arrived and rushed Andrew to the hospital, where he was later pronounced dead.

You’d think a gay pornstar wouldn’t have any problem swallowing things—cruel irony. No doubt, the flag in Richard’s office is flying at half mast today.

Via The New York Daily News.

Life

With Artie gone, a lot of fans want Jackie the Jokeman to jump into his grave—err, chair.

But it’s not happening anytime soon.

“I am in no way ready to move on and just put Jackie in the chair,” said Howard.

Robin and Fred are the most adamant about Jackie not returning to the show.

“Robin for three years said to me, take that fucking guy out of here. He’s bumming everyone out,” Howard remembered Robin telling him.

Fred replied, “When he’s with the show, he’s like a manageable cancer.”

Yeah, he’s not doing stupid things like going on Opie & Anthony, who only have about two listeners, and spilling the beans about his departure, instead of doing it on the Stern Show. F-Jackie!

“I’ve got no bad feelings about Jackie,” insisted Howard, “It just became difficult to work with him.”

Sorry Jackie. You quit the show, no one kicked you out. The show has moved on.