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Your Celebrity Stuff

Howard’s favorite couple Sarah and Jimmy are long since broken up. Sarah has moved on.

Last week, Sarah said she has a new boyfriend, writer Alec Sulkin, she met on Twitter. She’s crazy about him. He’s skinny, unlike tubby Jimmy.

“Usually I like pudgy, macho-ish guys. But I think I mistook macho-ish for strong, emotionally. And I think it’s really the opposite,” Sarah tells Page Six.

Sarah says Alec is the first guy to give her a compliment in a decade, like calling her pretty. I guess Jimmy never told Sarah she’s hot?

I don’t know. In a round about sort of way it sounds like a dig at Jimmy. Eh, still, Sarah is in my top five.

Via Page Six.

Howard said he’s really excited about Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. So am I. Howard also liked Shutter Island and the new Robin Hood incarnation.

YouTube: CBS

“I have to say in general the commercials were horrible,” Howard commented on the Super Bowl ads.

The Leno, Letterman, Oprah commercial probably made the biggest splash.

But did you know Conan was in it too?

“They were sitting on Conan,” says Howard, “He was the couch!”

Gary said CBS’s Rob Burnett actually put a call into Conan, but nothing came of it.

Conan could have showed up in a little French maid outfit.

Jewish Faces

Howard didn’t clear up the American Idol chatter. Is he going to replace Simon Cowell or not?

Who the fuck knows!

“I’m not really going to comment on discussions I might or might not have had,” Howard said, “If I told you half the shit I get offered your head would spin.”

But Howard would make a great judge.

“I’m going to be frank with people,” Howard insisted, “I’m going to wear a big badge on my chest. There’s a whole new sheriff in town.”

Howard won’t pull any punches.

“I want to be the one to break the kids’ hearts,” Howard said.

He would hand people like Sanjaya a cab license, Clay Aiken an usher’s uniform, and he’d send Fantasia Barrino to McDonald’s, or a nail salon.

Fantasia can’t read, so that might be a problem. Plus Fantasia is a beast.

“Honey you look like you stepped out of a Haitian earthquake,” exclaimed Howard, “You look like my old producer Baba Booey dipped in chocolate.”

But if Howard took the job it’d be a major shakeup for American Idol. He’d run Ellen Degeneres and Ryan Seacrest out of town.

“If I came in there, it’s going to be a like an exodus,” says Howard, “Like the Jews leaving Egypt.”

First he’d be all over Ellen and her man panties, saying, “Ellen Degeneres looks like she smelled a sour fucking fart in a room full of nuns.”

And “Seacrest out” would get it too.

“You know how they always hint that Ryan’s gay. “I’d just say you’re gay,” says Howard, “Ryan you’re such a woman I’m going to enter you. I’m going to make you my bitch.”

Pixojo.com

Randy would also get his fair share. Howard would put him in a sumo outfit, and, “Every time Randy calls someone dog I’m going to slap the shit out of him,” said Howard.

But when Gary came into the studio looking for a straight answer, Howard wouldn’t confirm or deny any serious interest in the job.

Gary better hope Howard doesn’t take it, or Baba Booey is finished. He’ll have to go deliver pizzas.

“Now that Howard left for Idol and I got to be honest to you, this is the only the job I could get,” said Howard as Gary.

And Gary would go door to door riding Scott the Engineer’s back.

Or Howard could bring Gary with him. He’d be great for the voting. Howard joked, “We could write the kids’ phone number on your teeth!”

Personally, I hope Howard doesn’t do it. That means I’d have to watch that fruity show. I’d rather slam my cock in a sliding glass door for an hour a week.

Bucs Beat

“Is Wayne Brady gonna’ have to choke’ a bitch?”

Maybe not Wayne, but former NFL defensive end Warren Sapp was arrested for allegedly choking a woman in a Miami Beach hotel.

The victim, who says she’s been dating Warren for two years, claims he roughed her up while trying to throw her out of the room after finding men’s numbers listed in her cell phone.

Wow! What a shitty weekend for football players during their holiest of holidays.

Ex-Cowboy Michael Irvin gets accused of rape, and the Cardinals Eric Green is being sued for forcibly fucking some tranny up the ass.

Merry Super Bowl!

UPDATE: Just heard Warren is going to be Bubba in a few.

Via The Fifth Down.

YouTube: CBS

Spurred by the Oprah, Letterman, Leno commercial during the Super Bowl, Howard went off on Oprah.

“Get off your fat ass and do something for this company,” Howard barked, “I fucking hate that this company gives her 10 cents.”

Howard detests her $50 million deal. No one listens to the Oprah channel.

“I don’t think anyone subscribed for the Oprah Winfrey channel,” says Howard, “I think it’s a bust!”

But Oprah will take Sirius XM’s money and laugh her ass off all the way to the bank.

“She’ll eat the crumbs off your plate,” Howard snapped, “I just don’t respect her.”

Howard is a team player, not Oprah. He said he would have flown to Chicago to talk to Oprah about doing a Letterman spot or an ad together.

“I would have done anything for the company,” says Howard, “I’m calling on management, when is that deal up, lets end this fucking charade.”

But it never happened. Sirius fail!

“I’m not pissed,” Howard insisted, “That’s just what a fat ass she is.”

Crave Online

On Super Bowl Sunday, while every man in America is buying beer and chips, gearing up for the big game, Howard was at the chess club.

Howard played in a real live tournament at The Marshall Chess Club yesterday. Homo!

“I was more nervous for this than I was if I had to get up and do a radio show,” Howard told Robin, “I don’t know the etiquette.”

Howard isn’t used to punching a chess clock and logging his moves.

Robin thought it was good Howard left the house, saying, “You should be out, and not just on the computer.”

“I’m very proud of myself,” Howard said, “I went out of my comfort zone.”

But it wasn’t easy. The King of All Media can’t just make a random public appearance.

“I walk in and you would have thought Bobby Fischer walked in,” says Howard, “Some of the people were excited I was there.”

Howard called it “geek central.”

It was very intimidating, but Howard did well. He won his two games.

“Every thing I do is done with a purpose,” Howard said, “I didn’t want to embarrass myself.”

But he kind of did. Howard had to leave early, his bed time is 8:30. So Howard left when he was in first place, meaning he forfeited his top spot.

At least he bailed to go watch the Super Bowl—you know, man shit!

No doubt. It’s all part of the Jay Leno image rehabilitation process, but still, that commercial was pretty fucking clever. A balls move by both CBS and NBC. Eh, fuck Jay!

UPDATE: Here’s how the spot came to life. It was Letterman’s idea. CBS had to sneak Jay into the studio in disguise, wearing glasses and a fake mustache. Getting Oprah in was a lot easier. CBS just spray painted “UPS” on Oprah and rode her into town.

Whoa! The Who should pack it in. Their glory days are way behind them. Roger Daltrey sounded like he was squeezing out a shit the whole time. A greatest hits CD and some bottle rockets would have been better. It’s a sad day for rock & roll. Yikes!

NFL

“Who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints?”

Not the Colts!

New Orleans can celebrate. In their first trip to the big game, the Saints are bringing home the Lombardi Trophy, winning Super Bowl XLIV.

A risky on-sides kick from head coach Sean Payton coming out of halftime, and then a big 74 yard interception taken to the house by Tracy Porter pretty much sealed the deal for “dem” Saints.

Saints 31, Colts 17—Saints win!

There’ll be booze, beads, and tits all up and down Bourbon Street tonight. Hey now!

Dipped in Cream

A Florida woman alleges retired Dallas Cowboys wide out Michael Irvin raped her two and a half years ago.

No criminal charges have been filed yet. And Michael Irvin’s lawyer calls the allegation totally untrue.

The unnamed woman says the assault occurred late night on July 5, 2007 at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Hollywood, Florida.

But no surveillance video of the incident was discovered at that time, so legal actions were halted.

Wait, a woman? I thought all the Cowboys like guys?

Via The New York Daily News.

ABS

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Check out The Crazies. It’s sort of a zombie movie. The sheriff from Deadwood is in it. Looks really cool! But this coming from a guy who plays Left 4 Dead 2 all day and who’s favorite movie is Shaun of the Dead. “There’s a girl in the garden.”

Turns out, that annoying “I come from the land down under” 80s song from Men at Work might not be an, uh, original creation. Men at Work are being sued for ripping off the beat from an Australian children’s song called “Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gum Tree.”

Fuck’em! That song is annoying. It gets stuck in your head and you need a drill to get it out. But apparently this is big news in the “land down under.” God damn it!

Via The New York Daily News.

Busted Coverage

Listen up boners! Busted Coverage and Rick’s Cabaret are offering you a chance to win a night of VIP treatment, including free admission, $100 for lap dances, a table in the Champagne Room, plus a bottle of booze, and dessert with your favorite Rick’s Girl. Hey now!

I’d enter myself, but I can’t afford to ruin another pair of pants.

Via Busted Coverage.

At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire, President Obama, after taking a sip of water, fields a question from a guy named Dick Sweat—err, Dick Swett—and somehow doesn’t blast the front row with a spit-take. No, worries, Jon Stewart made up for it.

MSNBC

Maybe there’s truth to the “idol” chitchat. American Idol producers are very interested in signing Howard to replace Simon Cowell; a source tells Page Six.

Even Howard has said on the air he’d be a good fit for the show. Let’s be honest, Howard is the only guy with the stones to tell it like it is.

Ellen DeGeneres wishes she had the balls—literally.

A source connected with American Idol says Howard would be “even nastier” than Simon Cowell, and not back down from arguing with the other judges.

But the leak also claims Howard is not ready to leave Sirius XM and all this could be a ploy for a new deal.

Ugh, if Howard goes to American Idol, does that mean I have to watch that queer-fest and blog about it? I’m not sure I could tuck my penis between my legs for that long.

Don’t be quick to believe any report you hear about Howard, since Howard gets fucked over in the media all the time, but Howard did mention on the air that he has been approached to take over an existing show on television. American Idol certainly fits the bill.

Just one thing, if Howard were to jump to American Idol, the show will lose audience, guaranteed. Bible-thumping Midwesterners freaked out about fruitcake Adam Lambert, so I doubt they’ll embrace Satan incarnate on their favorite television show.

Someone from Nebraska is not going to let their white bread children watch anything Howard does, even if Howard were adopting out kittens to orphanages in impoverished nations.

So maybe milquetoast Jay Leno is the smarter choice. Fail.

Via Page Six.

At last count, Vinnie Favale put up $70,000 of his own money to make “Hereafter.” His musical about death and dying; at least that’s what I think it’s about.

Sorry, I went to a state school.

That first song is called “Life & Death.” I’m no Broadway fag, but it doesn’t sound bad at all. It’s well-produced and catchy, not lame and fruity.

“Take My Life” is good too, plus the singer is hot. And get this, Vinnie wrote the songs and the music, making it hard to believe he also wrote that piece of shit “Restless Restless.”

So take note, next time you’re on a public bus, the chubby creepy looking guy trying to get close to you might actually be a musical genius.

The song “Talk To Me” has legs too. You can tell Vinnie bent over backwards to produce this, which I suspect is how he raised the cash.

I’m going to put on a skirt so I can listen to the rest of the songs more comfortably.

QuickDFW.com

Sarah Silverman is looking good these days. Sarah told Howard she is down 11 pounds.

“Your ass have never looked this tight,” said Howard.

Sarah has a new man in her life. A comedy writer she met on Twitter. Howard thought that was weird.

She should try dating a serious dude.

But Sarah said, “What would I talk about with a serious guy.” Good point, she did sniff Richard’s balls once.

Howard admitted to Sarah that he is still affected by her break up with Jimmy. He misses hanging with them.

Howard insisted, “It was so abrupt, something happened.”

“Listen Howard, Jimmy will always be your daddy,” Sarah joked, “Alec will be like a fun uncle.”

Show nerd JD charged into the studio to bitch about Sarah’s new look. He didn’t like that Sarah dressed hot on Letterman last night.

“If she wants to dress sexy, she should do it here,” snapped JD.

But JD does think Sarah is hot and wants to bang her.

“It’s really interesting that you whipped yourself into unbelievable shape with this new boyfriend, “ Howard remarked.

Sounds like Sarah is getting the high hard one.

The new season of The Sarah Silverman Program premieres tonight on Comedy Central.

4 Rilla is for Real!

Howard doesn’t like Super Bowl parties, especially if Fred is throwing it.

“I don’t want to sit there with you, it’s scary,” barked Howard, “It can’t be fun.”

Howard’s being gay about this. Go wash your pussy!

“I don’t like sitting there with a bunch of guys watching the broadcast,” says Howard.

Howard’s bitch Ralph agreed. Shocking!

Both fags don’t want their buddies chit-chatting during the game.

And Howard definitely isn’t watching it at Baba Booey’s house, saying, “I don’t want to go to Gary’s house and get stuck in that bar stool.”

Robin said Gary would build Howard a throne.

Porn-Star

Penthouse Pet Heidi Baron was in studio today. Heidi’s an import from Germany; part of the master race.

So Kurt Waldheim, Jr. was very pleased to see such a fine specimen of German engineering, but her Jew spotting abilities suck.

“Heidi, would you like to hide-ee the salami,” exclaimed Heir Waldheim.

Howard said, “This is what Germany would have looked like if Hitler didn’t get derailed.”

Heir Waldheim quizzed Heidi on her Jew hunting skills, and she shit the anti-Semitic bed.

Who is the “sub-human,” Kim Cattrall, Uma Thurman, or Jennifer Connelly?

Heidi guessed Kim Cattrall and Howard picked Uma Thurman.

“You’re both wrong,” shouted Hier Waldheim, “Go into the oven of shame!”

Jennifer Connelly is a half-Jew.

Heidi is a little party. Her Penthouse shoot is wild. “In this spread you are so open,” Howard said, “I see your butt hole and vagina.”

But Heidi doesn’t like anal. “A lot of men go wrong on the asshole,” says Heidi. Men need to work her sphincter with fingers and lick it first.

She does like sucking dick though. “You know how we love sausage in Germany. I practice every time I’m at Beerfest.” But Heidi doesn’t swallow. Fail!

Heidi also told Howard her tits are real, she loves making love to girls, and once had a four-some with her boyfriend and two other chicks. Hey fucking now!

And Heidi gave the Sybian a wild ride. She had an orgasm, especially since Howard wouldn’t let her off the damn thing. He kept jacking up the juice.

Will remarked, “This might be rape.”

Check out Sarah on Letterman last night. Sarah looks cute pulling up her dress every two seconds so her tits don’t pop out. Dave asks her, “Would you like some double-face tape?”

NY Daily News

Rumors have Conan O’Brien running to Fox as soon as he can, but nothing is in the works just yet.

CEO Rupert—I lie that my Fox News is fair and balanced—Murdoch says, “There have been some conversations,” but, “No real negotiations.”

Murdoch did say if he feels he could make a profit with someone like Conan he would “do it in a flash.”

Just remember, Conan’s exit deal with NBC stipulates he can’t resurface until September 1st.

Via The Hollywood Reporter.

i.ytimg.com

Benjy is a blotchy puppet master. He tries to control his girlfriend Sarah. It’s creepy.

Howard played clips of Sarah getting frustrated with Benjy when she was trying to talk to Shuli.

“I can’t even talk,” barked Sarah, “I scream at him about it, but that’s the way it is.”

Howard thinks this is bizarre behavior.

Benjy blathered, “You know when I talk I’m going to be an ass.”

Whatever the fuck that means!

Howard asked, “Why are you being weird?”

“Because he is weird,” Robin shot back.

The whole thing is retarded. Sarah whips out her vagina at dinner parties. She’s a loose cannon.

“You can’t break that girl,” Howard insisted, “She’s a wild stallion.”

Benjy admitted that he was embarrassed by his behavior yesterday.

But Fred’s Benjy said, “I want to eat her alive. I want to expectorate her out of my asshole. I want to be totally merged.”

It’s all horseshit. Benjy is just trying to be weird and quirky. Desperate comedians do it all the time.

If I had a massive penis I’d talk about it on television too. Shit, I’d pay for a billboard in Times Square, with an “Eat at Gerry’s” sign dangling from it.

Gary fires up the turntable in his enclosure and swings to “Welcome To The Boomtown” by David and David. Yucko said Ba Ba Booey can play records with his teeth, like the jukebox from The Flintstones. Score a few points for the disgusting clown.

“He should wear a giant toothbrush around his neck,” joked Howard, “Or a big tube of toothpaste on a rope.” Robin says Gary should just wear the actual 45 record.

Here’s Gilbert’s grating commercial for the “Shoedini,” the amazing extendable shoehorn. Fail! “Oh my God, this is the most irritating commercial I have ever seen,” joked Howard.

Day Life

Speaking at a radio roundtable yesterday at The Paley Center for Media, Sirius XM CEO Mel Karmazin sounds determined to keep Howard around.

“Howard Stern is great content. Howard would be sought after by anyone. He’s a great talent. Having said that we would like him to stay with us and we are optimistic that he will continue to do so,” said Mel.

Mel was very rah-rah-rah Sirius XM, downplaying the threat of internet radio and saying, “I believe we will be the most profitable of audio content choices.”

Via Digital Daily.

Tootsie's

Mini head of security Ronnie “Ricky Man” Mund will be the guest host at Tootsie’s Cabaret Miami for the club’s Big Game Weekend parties; Friday and Saturday night.

Just look at Ronnie next to those young girls, you can almost smell the odd combination of Long Island Iced Teas, perfume, and denture cream.

Tootsie's

So go to meet Grandpa Ronnie, but stay for the hot chicks, strippers, and porn stars; including “Miss Howard TV” January 2010, “Alex,” she’ll be dancing. Hey now!

Okay class. Thank Lonnie from Rick’s for sending over these photos.

It's Guy Code

Benjy’s girl Sarah was unable to best moron Sal in a test of twits—err, wits—today. She lost “Win Sal’s Money.”

“There’s going to be a minute on the clock,” Howard said, “If you don’t know the answer, you can pass, and we can come back to it, or you can stop the clock.”

Robin insisted, “Time may be a factor in a tie.”

“I hardly think it matters,” Howard replied.

Let the stupidity begin!

What brothers are credited for inventing the airplane?

• Sarah: The Wright Brothers

• Sal: The Wright Brothers

Both dummies got it right.

What president created the new deal?

• Sarah: Barack Obama

• Sal: Barack Obama

Wrong and wrong. It was FDR.

Name the two countries involved in the cold war?

• Sarah: Britian and Germany

• Sal: London and Iceland

Stupid is as stupid does. Both wrong. Sal thought the cold war meant it was fought in two cold countries. You can’t make this shit up.

The correct answer is the United States and the former Soviet Union.

Who is Margaret Thatcher?

• Sarah: Pass, but then she guessed a cook

• Sal: Prime Minister of England

Sal got it right, although technically she is the ex-Prime Minister.

Who is the Prime Minister of Cuba?

• Sarah: Pass

• Sal: Fidel Castro

Sal nailed it, but Castro is the President, not the Prime Minister. Will fucked up.

Kim Jong Il is the leader of what country?

• Sarah: Pass

• Sal: Korea

Howard gave it to Sal, but the correct answer is North Korea.

How many syllables are in the word encyclopedia?

• Sarah: Six

• Sal: Six

Somehow both these retards got it right.

But despite putting up a, uh, fight. Sal beat Sarah with a final score of 3 to 2. Sarah didn’t win the $5,000 prize, so she had to strip down.

Sarah knows how to get naked, that’s for sure. But it’s a surprise she knows anything at all.

As a bonus question, Howard asked Sarah, “If I had asked you where the Alamo was, would you have known that?”

“The car rental place, right?” Sarah replied.