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Bitten and Bound

Wow, heavy shit man. Artie tried to kill himself.

“I’m sad about it. I’m just all over the place emotionally about the whole thing,” Howard said.

On Saturday, Arite’s mom went over to drop off food—surprise, surprise—and found him. She called 911 and Artie was rushed to the hospital.

“I’m pissed off that the story got out there,” Howard kvetched, “I’m pissed off at the shit head who maybe got paid ten bucks to tip off Page Six.”

Robin replied, “Yeah, what do you get out of it, really?”

Our Baby Gorilla stabbed himself nine times in the abdomen—six “hesitation wounds” and three bad ones—but surgeons were able to save him.

Howard was at a loss. “Honestly, I don’t know what to say about this story,” a somber Howard said, “It’s such a mind boggling thing that’s gone down.”

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say,” Howard went on, “I work with Artie. I love Artie. I said to people the other day. Just remember how great Artie is.”

Howard was very guarded. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing and “exacerbate” the situation, insisting it’s a family matter.

“I know everybody has their demons,” insisted Howard, “I’ve said this many times. Everyone has their demons, everyone! Except Fred.”

“I think Fred is a demon,” Robin joked.

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But Howard got serious again. “Everyone has their demons, including myself,” he explained, “But he’s wrestling with some serious stuff, Artie.”

Robin thinks right now Artie’s demons are getting the better of him. Thank you Captain Obvious!

“I only wish him well,” Howard remarked.

Howard hesitated to bring all this up, but the douche bags at Page Six already broke the story.

Howard tried to read the article on air, but couldn’t.

“I just feel sick about this,” Howard struggled to say.

“I don’t think you should read it,” urged Robin.

There were lots of long pauses and sighs between most of Howard’s comments. “Artie’s demons run deeper than I ever knew,” Howard said.

After Howard heard what was going on—prior to today’s show—he went on Stern “Fag” Network, and of course those cum stains were up to their usual horse shit.

“People were just bad mouthing Artie all over the place,” Howard snapped, “Basically he’s a hack. He’s no talent. It was one negative comment after another. It just made me sick.”

Howard got really affected by it. Fucking internet urchins!

“You could make a list of all the great things Artie contributed to the show,” Howard insisted, “You could sit there and have a laugh riot.” So many awesome Artie moments!

Howard and Robin mentioned Artie’s funny remarks, characters, impressions, everything!

So Howard went into why he hired Artie, and why he is such a great fit here, reminiscing about Artie’s first time on the show with Norm McDonald.

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“He started to tell some stories, kind of in a very charming way he would reluctantly tell a story,” Howard said.

Robin jumped in with, “Norm sort of threw him under the bus!”

But Artie would continue with his great stories anyway.

“After Norm would leave, I would say to myself, gee I love Norm, but where’s that guy Artie? When are we going to get him back again” Howard said.

And when Artie did come back, it was great fun.

“When Jackie was gone from the show, and I started to have certain people sit in the chair, the guy I kept thinking about was Artie,” says Howard.

But it wasn’t just for Artie’s stories. It was about Artie being Artie. He could roll with the punches. He didn’t have to be “on” all the time.

Although Howard admits, at first he didn’t know what to do with Artie—I guess a lot like now—he thought Artie might be a writer like Jackie, but Artie was clearly different.

“I’d say to Artie, why don’t you write a few lines or something. That was Jackie’s primary function,” Howard said. Nope, not Baby Gorilla, he could do more.

“Artie wouldn’t do that, that’s not Artie’s thing,” Howard explained, “So he would kind of sit there, and every once and a while chime in. And what was so charming about it was he knew instinctively not to rain on the chemistry or the way Robin and I communicate.”

Howard said Artie added to the show in a way that wasn’t intrusive. Howard has talked about that before. Artie is a fan, he gets the show.

“The reason Artie was so great is that he fit into the show and didn’t get in the way, only contributed when he knew he had something to say or something funny to say,” Howard stressed.

Robin remembered during the time Howard was trying different people out in the Jackie chair that Artie was really “incredible” and fun to work with.

And Howard says, “Like Robin or Fred, I never had to sit with Artie and explain to him how show the works. I never had to sit there and say, Artie here’s your role and this is what I want you to do.”

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So fuck you Stern “Fag” Network haters!

Howard pointed out that if he had to have that conversation with Artie. It meant he wasn’t right for the show.

Robin said, “Almost everybody else who sat in that chair they usually needed some kind of guidance.”

Yeah, um, A.J. Benza come to mind!

“Artie fit the bill from day one,” stated Howard. And the show was the best thing for our Artie because he was fed up with Hollywood and wanted to be in Jersey.

Howard remarked, “I was the lucky one because he said okay I’ll agree to do it. And I was like oh great! This makes my life easier when you got a guy with that much talent.”

Then Howard turned his ire back to Mutt’s failed Stern “Fan” Network.

“These guys on Stern Fan Network were making these horrible comments about Artie over and over and over again,” Howard bitched, “And I know it represents a very small part of the audience. Boy how easily people forget how difficult it is to incorporate someone into a show and not to destroy the chemistry and make it great, all the great Artie moments.”

That’s why through all Artie’s shenanigans, Howard has always maintained his loyalty to Artie.

“At times it’s very trying, because Artie has had some rough times,” Howard admitted, “Sometimes even people would come to me and say, well its not fair, the guy’s not showing up for work sometimes, what he does, and sometimes he’s not all there.”

Robin replied, “It wasn’t that he was just not showing up. He had a real problem.”

“So I certainly wish Artie well,” says Howard. Howard hasn’t spoken with Artie yet, but Robin and Tim have. “I’m just freaked out, I don’t know what the hell to do,” said Howard.

“I only wish him well,” Howard insisted, “But it was pretty upsetting when I heard the news,” and, “My thoughts go to his mother and sister who I’m sure are in great pain.”

Can't Stop The Bleeding

Howard shared why he has been tight lipped about Artie’s situation for the past few days. He just didn’t want to spread any rumors about it.

“It’s a family matter. I can’t comment. I don’t even know what I know is right. I just backed off,” insisted Howard, “I didn’t want to gossip about Artie.”

That’s why Howard kept resisting reading the Page Six article. “You don’t go running to the press,” says Robin, “This is sort of a family. We’re very close here. We care about each other a great deal.”

Howard never read the article.

“It’s just so mind blowing to me,” Howard said, “Maybe Robin says it best, when you’re like a family, you don’t know what to say.”

But everyone is glad Artie is okay—physically at least. “It’s a miracle he’s alive,” Howard exclaimed, “It is. It’s a miracle!” Robin said he is doing well.

We love you Artie. And fuck the trolls on Stern “Fag” Network!