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Howard sounds ready to retire – “I think I’m done!”
Howard touched on his future again, but he didn’t give a definitive answer. “I really do believe I’m at the end of the road,” says Howard, “I think I’m done.” Howard is ready to stay home, sleep in, play chess, and stare at the wall all day. But Ralph doesn’t think so, telling Howard, “I think you’d like [...]
Continue reading...No return for Jackie – Howard’s not ready for it
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
With Artie gone, a lot of fans want Jackie the Jokeman to jump into his grave—err, chair. But it’s not happening anytime soon. “I am in no way ready to move on and just put Jackie in the chair,” said Howard. Robin and Fred are the most adamant about Jackie not returning to the show. “Robin for three years [...]
Continue reading...Gabourey Sidibe is fat and needs help – major media backlash against Howard
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Howard got slammed in the media for calling star of Precious Gabourey Sidibe a big fatso. “There’s the most enormous, fat black chick I’ve ever seen,” Howard said yesterday, “Everyone’s pretending she’s a part of show business and she’s never going to be in another movie.” Howard played a bunch of news reports trashing him for his [...]
Continue reading...Jesse Ventura wants more gays in the military
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Governor Jesse Ventura stopped by today. Jesse is always a topnotch guest. He’s super interesting. Howard asked Jesse how he feels about gays in the military. For a big tough macho guy, Jesse is very liberal on it. “How dare us not allow gay people to serve their country,” he told Howard, “We are not the ‘Hetero [...]
Continue reading...Howard manipulated “Private Parts” to make women like him
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
When talking to Jesse Ventura about conspiracy theories today, Howard revealed a dirty little secret of his own. Howard and a team of writers made a concerted effort to make Private Parts the movie appealing to women. “Men listen to you. Women think you’re disgusting. How can we take this movie and create some sort of arc [...]
Continue reading...Maniac chef sells breast milk cheese – quick, call the authorities!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A chef at restaurant Klee Brasserie in New York City needs to be shot. McCreepy is offering cheese made out of his wife’s breast milk. “Thank you for telling me the name, I won’t be going there,” Robin told Howard. Howard thought it was disgusting—yes, it is—but the restaurant claims their phone is ringing off the hook. “I [...]
Continue reading...“Joke Hunt” hijacks Howard 100 – Jackie wants back on the show
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
After the show yesterday, Howard caught a listen to Jackie’s new plug for Joke Hunt. It pissed Howard off. The plug is convoluted and too long. “The promo was just kind of hijacking the airway,” Howard barked, “Get this off! I want this off!” Maybe all this is an elaborate plan for Jackie to get back on the [...]
Continue reading...Robin is off to Guatemala next week – rest in peace
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Steve Langford reported that Lady Quivers embarks on her United Nations peacekeeping mission in Guatemala this weekend. “Nice knowing you!” Howard exclaimed. Robin is going on an eight day tour. But she won’t be with living amongst the dregs of society. Steve revealed Robin will be staying at upscale hotels. “I guess you don’t care about me,” says [...]
Continue reading...Eric the Midget is “hit or miss” – he doesn’t have claws
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Eric the Midget called up after a month hiatus. Not self-imposed, Howard just didn’t pick up on him. So the little guy was pissed about that. “A lot of times it’s hit or miss with you,” Howard told Eric, “The problem is I don’t know if you are going to be good or bad. I get gun [...]
Continue reading...Howard’s mom doesn’t mix comedy with cooking – she’s stuck in his head
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Mama Stern loves to watch cooking shows, but not when they try to be entertaining and funny. “They should not mix humor and food,” says Howard in his mother’s voice, “A cooking show is supposed to be learning how to cook, and I’m not learning anything.” So this makes Howard uncomfortable. He can’t watch cooking shows without [...]
Continue reading...Baba Booey is a “pretentious” TV producer – Sam Simon isn’t a comedy writer
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Gary got slammed for his “TV terms” again. “The point is pretentious people like you are trying to make the business more complicated,” Howard told faux- television producer Gary. Howard read an email from Sam Simon saying he’s never heard of the term “dark.” Gary thought Sam was just trying to be funny, calling him an “aspiring comedy [...]
Continue reading...Auto-tune doesn’t help Howard sing – Scott the Engineer fucks up again
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Howard fired up the auto-tuner today. It didn’t work. Howard still sounded like shit. “There’s no effect on here, Scott you fucker!” Howard yelled, “Scott just wasted thousands of dollars!” Howard tried singing “Purple Rain” with auto-tune, but he sounded as horrible as ever, no difference. “We set it to the setting that were recommended for that effect,” [...]
Continue reading...Howard calls Sirius XM his “greatest chapter” – “mission accomplished”
Monday, March 8, 2010
Howard proclaimed victory today, saying, “mission accomplished!” His tenure with Sirius XM is a success. Sirius XM had 600,000 subscribers when Howard signed, and after four years and a merger with XM, Howard read that Sirius XM now has 19 million subscribers. Howard stated, “Everywhere we went we delivered!” Preach on, brother Howard! When Howard decided to make his [...]
Continue reading...Tommy James rocks out in studio – likes shooting his pool
Monday, March 8, 2010
Music legend Tommy James, from Tommy James & The Shondells, dropped by today. Tommy sounded really good. Howard said he used to see Tommy on television as a kid. “I remember watching you on TV and thinking this guy must get tons of pussy,” Howard told Tommy,” It’s insane! Tommy dodged the question. He had some “good [...]
Continue reading...Baba Booey still thinks he’s a TV producer – “We’re going dark boss’th!”
Monday, March 8, 2010
Gary got ripped for using television terms for radio again, like going “dark” when the show is away. But radio doesn’t go dark. “On radio you say we go on vacation,” barked Howard, “We don’t go dark!” But Gary replied, “I’ll pull you ten fucking emails, can you please tells us when you’re dark.” Robin told Howard, Gary “speaks [...]
Continue reading...King of All Blacks’ baby has a black penis – but the kid’s got “good hair”
Monday, March 8, 2010
King of All Blacks welcomed a son this weekend. The same kid a doctor magically changed from a girl to a boy in the womb. But to King’s chagrin, the boy was born with an abnormally black cock. “It is black, like darker than me,” King said, “But he’s light skinned.” King hopes his skin color evens out. [...]
Continue reading...Scott DePace’s asshole is for sale – that pussy costs $1 billion
Monday, March 8, 2010
On Thursday, resident bald republican Scott DePace admitted he’d take a cock up the ass for $1 billion. “You give me a billion and you could fuck me in the ass,” Scott told Gary on The Wrap-up Show. Robin joked that Scott do it for $250,000. But Scott insisted it has to be a billion, nothing less. “A [...]
Continue reading...Howard’s mom is the meditation police – it makes him mental
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Howard’s mother keeps strict tabs on his meditation. “My mother’s biggest fear is I’ll stop meditating,” says Howard, “Her answer to everything is meditate.” According to his mom, if Howard gets sick it’s because he’s not meditating enough. Howard said, “If my mother just hears meditation, she starts yelling at me about meditation—and I meditate!” So he doesn’t even [...]
Continue reading...JD is taking Ashley Dupre to “Banana Shpeel” – he puts condoms on his feet
Thursday, March 4, 2010
JD will not be directing Ashley Dupre’s music video. Instead, he’s taking the $5,000 and treating her to dinner and a nice hotel. She should be used to that! “I believe we have chosen to go out next week in the city,” says JD, “I think New York.” Where else, Lilliput? Howard was impressed. “I thought you were a [...]
Continue reading...Abe “The Heartless” wins “cockaoke” – this is “American Cockoake Idol”
Thursday, March 4, 2010
“Cockoake” returned to the Stern Show today. Five unknown bands competed for a chance to have their music played on the show and win $5,000. And Sal got a bunch of guys to breathe on his cock. Howard called all five bands into the studio, none of them knowing the price of fame involved singing into Sal’s [...]
Continue reading...Sarah Palin does “standup” on Leno – she’s a fucking maniac
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Jon Stewart did a nice job ripping Sarah Palin’s “standup comedy” debut on The Tonight Show. Howard hates it too. “Ugh, I can’t take this,” he groaned, “She’s just a fucking maniac!”
Continue reading...Barbara Walters says Howard shouldn’t retire – she’s in “awe” of Howard
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Elder stateswoman Barbara Walters was in studio today, encouraging Howard to stay on the radio. But Howard wants to be done with it all. “I am happy doing nothing,” he told Barbara, “I don’t need this radio show.” Barbara replied, “It’s not a question of money, you just want to be retired totally.” Yup, Howard wants to stare at [...]
Continue reading...David Letterman has “pussy powers” – Howard is “fuck room” less
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Howard talked about a Vanity Fair article praising David Letterman’s ability to seduce chicks. Dave has serious mojo. “I was madly in love with him at the time,” a former intern told the magazine, “I would have married him. He was hilarious.” Howard was impressed. Who wouldn’t be! “Once you get around him [Dave], you got to fuck him,” [...]
Continue reading...Howard says Artie is doing “real good” – he’s sober now
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Great news! Our Baby Gorilla is doing better. Howard talked to Artie a couple days ago. “He sounded real good,” Howard explained, “It was ‘up’ Artie I spoke to.” That’s an improvement from last time, when Robin said, “It sounded like he wanted to go to me.” But Howard revealed, “He’s been sober for fifty-four days, going to [...]
Continue reading...Jim Norton sucks Jay Leno’s cock – doesn’t think Jay is a thief
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Here’s the clip of Jim Norton on The Joy Behar show talking about Howard’s comments on Jay Leno being a thief. Jim doesn’t agree. He likes Jay. Don’t be shocked, Jim—despite being a great comic and Artie’s buddy—pals around with Jay and something called O&A. Fail!
Continue reading...Press for the “Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant” will be kept in house
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The “Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant” is getting a lot of press, everyone wants a piece. But Howard doesn’t want random reporters covering the event. He’ll hire a photographer and have Howard TV release video. “If press wants some clips from the pageant we’ll feed them through our TV guys,” says Howard, “To be sure I look [...]
Continue reading...Howard loves trashing Jay – Jay would still take Howard as a guest
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Ragging on Jay Leno is Howard’s new favorite pastime—clearly. “I can sit here and bash Jay Leno day and night,” Howard barked. Howard can trash Jay because Howard’s bigger than Jay. He doesn’t need to suck up to Jay like all the hacks in showbiz. But despite the shit Howard gives him, Jay would take Howard as a [...]
Continue reading...Howard and Simon Cowell bury the hatchet – Simon calls Howard
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Howard got his phone call from Simon Cowell last night, minutes before Simon went on American Idol. “It was as I suspected,” Howard said, “He just wanted to set the record straight.” Simon likes Howard. Simon wasn’t really slamming Howard in the media about his looks. Simon is just having fun with the whole thing, so is [...]
Continue reading...Harry Shearer is a “turd” – he’s the voice of “The Simpsons”
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Spinal Tap’s Harry Shearer was in studio today. Don’t be fooled by the monotone voice. Harry is comic royalty. He’s on The Simpsons, does all the Christopher Guest movies, and had that great cameo in Wayne’s World 2 as “Handsome Dan.” Harry has a reputation for being a pain in the ass. But he doesn’t deny it, [...]
Continue reading...“Mr. Skin’s 11th Annual Anatomy Awards” – it’s a “skin-tastic” event
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Creep master general Mr. Skin was in studio today to unveil the winners of Mr. Skin’s 11th Annual Anatomy Awards. Every year, Mr. Skin and his 30 employees—including his mother the “skin-turn”—pick the year’s best nude scenes in television and movies. Mr. Skin did not disappoint. Ashton Kutcher’s movie Spread won “Breast Picture” and took home the [...]
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Wednesday, March 10, 2010
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